I recently initiated a discussion on my Facebook page about protecting ourselves from domestic abuse. Coming from a country where arranged marriage is a norm and it still being a fiercely patriarchal society I question the freedom (esp. females but concerns both genders) people have in making decisions about their life partner. Many Indians are still made to marry people they hardly know solely selected by family background, looks and wealth. Many separate due to incompatibility and abuse. Many stay in an abusive relationship due to fear of family name and to avoid shame. Ofcourse, there are always two sides to a coin and so are there couples who separate after finding a partner of their own choice or cases where people become abusive or change over time and end up being incompatible. But this is specifically to outline a few basic pointers to be followed by a more domestic abuse related one.
A compilation of various advice from my friends. Big thanks to everyone who had contributed to this discussion 🙂
Warning: This post is for open-minded people!
I don’t believe in Marriage(the legal thing!) to establish a relationship. Marriage is just another step in a relationship and a reason to have a great party called the Wedding. 😀 So these pointers are for a stable relationship and of course to make the legal bond more pleasant/easy maybe(!). So please feel free to interchange the words Marriage and Relationship wherever you prefer.
1. Matrimonial/Dating profile: Marriage is complicated and so is finding the right person. Someone who is really interested in finding the right person would take an effort to state what they want explicitly. Try to find such kinds. I personally would stay away from people who would judge someone solely in terms of their skin color, height or career. Isn’t it shallow to ask for a tall, slim, fair beautiful girl? Or Tall,dark, handsome guy with a six-figure salary? or what does traditional but modern even mean? Anyways, doesn’t life have more to it? So take your chances. My personal favorite is when a guy wants a “Strong and independent woman” 😉 It says a LOT about the guy. Again, descriptions can be deceptive as well so talk, meet before you judge or make a decision.
P.S. Stating that someone wants a fair or handsome person is not an explicit deal.
2. Long courtship: Many who contributed to the discussion supported a long engagement or a long courtship. A friend once told me “You don’t have to get married unless you want to legally bear a child with the guy.” It did make some sense to me and maybe it would for many. So wait, enjoy your courtship and also use that time to observe the other person without prejudice ( or “blind love”) . Be yourself and create many opportunities to make the person be at ease as well. E.g. Hiding certain habits or baggage have proven to have caused rifts. So take all the time you need before you make the big decision.
3. Know yourself and face reality: Unless you know who you are you cannot decide whom you want. So spend time with yourself to understand yourself and what kind of a relationship you want to be in. Learn, unlearn and relearn. I used to believe I am going to marry the first person I date. Unfortunately, that isn’t life. It is ideal and it does happen to many but be ready to explore till you find the right one. Be ready to dive in and face everything a relationship has to offer. Learn to identify fixable and unfixable things.
4. Marry a friend: Another high-scorer. Or I would say become a friend before getting into any relationship, be it by dating or by formal sources. Make friends with the other person. Being friends is being yourself, being silly, being open about your relationships and being non-judgmental. If the other person becomes your best friend then you are one of the lucky ones, We do have friend-zoned issues in the present century which we hope to solve soon 😀
5. Relationship is a continuous effort: Before telling people about abuse and separation I do want to say that relationship is not a granted deal. Do not take it easy. It shouldn’t be hard or strenuous but remember that it is a continuous effort.To achieve that, a foundation of trust and honesty is to be established with the love. A sense of trust that whatever happens I am there. Everyday is a new beginning. A relationship beyond anything you have with anybody else in this world. A person to share your body and soul.
I want to be in a relationship with a person even after twenty-thirty years from now FOR the person. Not because we had children, not because we don’t have a choice, not because my family expects me to but for the companionship which cannot be sought from another.
To be continued..
As always.. I am open to discussions. Tell me if you agree, disagree or what topics you would want me to touch upon 🙂
Because my bff said only cute cats get most clicks and likes 😛