On a Pedestal..

“Jan, I think you put me on a pedestal” said R during the early stages of our relationship. It was a moment where I was struggling to voice a disagreement between us. I was not angry but disappointed and couldn’t come to terms with the fact that he had said something wrong. Mulling over it for over a week, self doubting myself I finally decided to tell him I disagree with his opinion. But I struggled, choked and teared up.

As he uttered those words it hit that I am so involved with someone that I found them ideal and flawless. So much that I started fact checking myself instead of accepting that the other person could be wrong.

I was reminded of this incident {and that I had not learn my lesson from it) as I struggled to come to terms with the end of a wonderful relationship recently. As I kept beating myself up questioning it, I realized it was similar. I had put the person and the relationship on a pedestal. As it ceased to exist I couldn’t come to terms with it. I had sketched them ideal and etched in my head that they are going to be my forever. This made me blame and question myself and I worsened my struggle by refusing to accept new people in my life.

“Nobody can make me feel the same”

“Nobody can fill the void”

“I do not want new friends”

“I will not become close to anyone ever again”

The above statements sound immature and stupid right?

Unfortunately, that is how my brain worked.

This isn’t something new , you evolve and outgrow relationships. Change is only natural.

But due to the circumstances I struggled more than I should have. My logical brain that asked me to let go, embrace the pain and even imagined worse situations was banned by the illogical overthinking one that was relentless.

As I am working on getting people off this pedestal and, I hope that this experience is going to prepare me better for the future {though the inner Jan wishes “forevers” exist}

I am (kindof) back to making new friends, filling new spots and appreciating the people who exist in my life in the present. I am also learning to acknowledge the break instead of beating oneself up or questioning it (this has been the hardest). I thought penning it down might ease it and even serve as a reminder whenever my brain starts overthinking again.

Thank you for reading my vent – have you had any such moments? Do you relate to what I wrote or have people on a pedestal?

 

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6 thoughts on “On a Pedestal..

  1. Yep. I actually had men that put me on pedestals which worked horribly when I fell. I needed someone to meet where I was and walk with me so that if I fell he could hold out his hand and help me up.

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  2. I can totally relate. I was like this, even more than I still am, when my husband and I first got married. I couldn’t get myself to voice my opinion if he didn’t agree. I’ve always lacked confidence and have allowed people to push me over. But luckily like your husband, mine was also intuitive to let me know that he wants me to be, not the kind of woman or wife that I think I should be. I’m glad you’ve acknowledged it though. That’s the first and very important step!

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  3. I did the same thing in my past relationships – I felt that they had set a benchmark and every person that I now meet must match or better those standards. The only question is, how do we get past that as zooming in on their flaws do not seem to work as much as it should

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  4. I definitely relate, and I put people on pedestals myself in the past. The realization came probably similarly to yours, but once I had that moment where the pedestal had not just fallen over but shattered, I realized that it is better to view people as your equals. Sure, they may do some amazing things, be quick-witted or have more than you, but they don’t have YOUR gifts you bring to the world. So how can they be ‘better’. Great post Jan.

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  5. Bragadeesh Prasanna

    Thanks for writing this. I am undergoing a similar phase and I didn’t understand what is happening. Your post helped. I had thought certain people could do no wrong, they always put me in front of them. It was difficult to accept that it was not the case. I think I can understand. After two months of isolating myself from the world, I am trying to come out of my safety cocoon right now. I don’t know if I will ever believe in forevers again. But again, life has to go on and probably new people come and fill the gaps or we start living with it.

    Hold on Jan! This too shall pass away (Ipdi than enta sonnanga)

    Liked by 1 person

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